


Angel of Tears and Solitude

by NotHopeExactly



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Character Study (Supernatural), Character Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:48:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27761767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotHopeExactly/pseuds/NotHopeExactly
Summary: This is a character study of Castiel...sort of. Never written one of these before, but I hope reading it brings you as much joy as writing it brought me.CW may be a giant pain in our collective neck, but I will always carry Cas in my gay little heart.On that note, this work is just all the things I wish I could've told him in person, and thanked him for.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester (mentioned)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Angel of Tears and Solitude

_“You know I’ve… I’ve been here for a very long time. And I remember many things.”_   
It is easy, sometimes — tempting even — to forget that the Castiel we know and love and have projected all over is a millennia-old celestial being. But then, he never really did fit in with the divine crowd. His angelic siblings looked at humankind and saw ants, “mud monkeys”. Castiel saw art, his father’s precious creations. While the heavenly host lived and died in unwavering faith, Castiel learnt to doubt, to question. How beautiful it is, to fight entire armies of the obedient equipped with little more than scepticism. To counter dogma with simple uncertainty.

 _“My ‘people skills’ are ‘rusty’.”_   
Castiel, too humane to be one of the angels, and altogether too ‘other’ to be considered completely human, was always the misfit. Hester was perhaps mistaken when she blamed Dean Winchester for Castiel’s apparent ‘corruption’, stating that “when Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!” Perhaps Cas had always been adrift and astray, just a tad off-kilter. The one who “came off the line with a crack in his chassis.”

 _“I’m not a hammer, as you say. I have questions, I have doubts.”_   
Castiel’s ongoing crisis of faith, his struggle with morality, all building up to a rather complicated relationship with free will, has been a fascinating journey to have witnessed. To have learnt from. That free will doesn’t have to be “a length of rope”, that it’s okay if we’re just “making it up as we go.”

 _“Now I realize that there is no righteous path. It’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it’s far too easy to do your worst.”_   
Humanity is flawed, but perhaps not irredeemable. To be human is to be steeped in pain and filth, but there are still reasons to not give up. Watching Castiel’s relationship with humanity evolve was a delight. As was his willingness to learn, and grow, which might just have been the most human thing Castiel has ever done. Castiel — who has been there since before the fish learnt to crawl — still remembers when humans first discovered coffee and learnt to chew the berries from goats, is utterly fascinated by bees, picks up life-lessons from PB and Jelly, and finds jam unsettling. His wonder at things seemingly insignificant and trivial is a joy to behold.

 _“Dean and I do share a more profound bond.”_   
While I am reluctant to credit Dean with the entirety of Cas’ character development, he definitely plays a vital role in it. Castiel’s relationship with Dean was the pivotal point in his transformation from a passive spectator to an active participant for the human cause. From “you think I came because you called?” to “I always come when you call”, Castiel learnt the meaning of family, trust, and love. He unlearned the meaning of strength, relearned it. He learnt the significance of fragility. And eventually, he learnt what it means to be happy.

 _“I am utterly indifferent to sexual orientation.”_   
Castiel has been a heavily queer-coded character from the start. He has always picked vessels regardless of gender, and in a regressive, often queerphobic show, stated outright his disregard for labels. As a queer person from a still-developing country with limited access to queer-based popular culture, I latched on to Cas pretty early on as my comfort character. Watching his last words on the show be a confession of love to Dean was cathartic. Even though the conclusion to Castiel’s story was — in true Supernatural fashion — considerably less than ideal, it was nonetheless a gift of validation to have gotten to see one of my queer idols live his truth. This is what his true happiness looked like: willing to die with his heart on his sleeve, and his bloody handprint on Dean’s. But then again, “too much heart was always Castiel’s problem.”

 _“I’m already saved. You can prance and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I’m awake.”_   
Despite Castiel’s self-sacrificial tendencies, and the CW’s utter hatred towards a coherent narrative, Cas has shown time and time again his stubborn will to live. We have seen him at his lowest — powerless in all ways and broken and careless with his life — as Endverse!Cas. And we have watched him grow beyond casual nihilism. He was adamant in his search for his stolen grace, desperate to live to fight another day. He has obstinately fought fate and cosmic entities for survival, despite powerful threats and broken rainbow wings. This is the version of Cas I wish to carry with me — unflinchingly queer and eager to outlive his demons. He has learnt this lesson, and we learnt it right along with him as he quoted from Don Quixote:

_“What is the maddest thing a man can do?_   
_._   
_._   
_._   
_Let himself die.”_

**Author's Note:**

> And yes, CW, it IS spelled CAS with ONE s. I mean, would you ever shorten Thomas to Tomm or Alexander to Alexx, ya complete assbutts.


End file.
